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Cold Hand Of Charity

22 Oct

I may sound like a pessimist, but I have lost all faith in charity. When I announced that to a group of girls after being cornered by a charity ‘worker’ on one of my first weeks of my undergrad I received looks of horror.

Don’t get me wrong, as a Samaritan I am not against ‘charity’ as a concept. It’s those “Hey smiler!” and “Could you spare too minutes for cats who have been thrown in bin charity” which I detest. They are not actually working for the good of their hearts, they are working on commission. They are glorified Avon ladies.

At the beginning of summer I had just finished my undergrad and was looking for a nice little job to tide me through the summer. I came across a company which sends out “workers” to gain money for a charity which I shan’t name as I am not that kinda journo (although let’s be honest, they’re all at it).


I was given an interview, where one of those over enthusiastic “Hey smiler!” asked me a few questions and replied with, “Cool, maan” after everything I said (including my name, which is a pretty standard name).

He then asked me to “sell” something for a minute to check out my selling techniques. Naturally, I chose William Blake (what else!?). To which he became extremely over excited because people usually fail on that bit (moronic fools).

Shortly after I was offered a job at Reiss, and obviously turned the company down (for moral reasons of corse).


Not long after I was waiting for a friend at York train station. Her bus was a little late and I happened to be sat near some charity workers.

They felt they had the right to come over and ask for a “great big hug”, and verbally abuse anyone who refused to give money.

I heard them shout at one man who walked away, “SO YOU DON’T CARE IF CHILDREN IN AFRICA HAVE AIDS!”

The only reason he probably cares is his wages, which won’t be high with that attitude.

The moral of the story is this. When you are being cornered in the street by a ‘kind hearted’ charity worker more often than not they are on commission. And if you sign up for ‘a certain’ charity, your money will be going towards a nice sparkly pen sent to you in the post with a pamphlet telling you where your money will eventually end up in 5 years time after you’ve paid the ‘workers’ wages and your fancy new pen.

We should have listened to Blake all those years ago who likened charity as a “cold and userous hand”.

Next issue… those annoying Ex Hollyoaks/ ex boy band you’ve never heard of pretending they care on Comic Relief. In fact, I doubt I’d have much to see as whenever I accidentally turn Comic Relief/Children In Need etc on, it goes straight off after seeing those irritating smiles and hands to phone.

Sure my hits have gone right down after this delightful post.